


When I Sleep

by Fallen_Angel_Meg



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adoption, Angst, Car Accidents, Coma, Domestic, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Sleep, domestic!Destiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 01:14:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7019302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fallen_Angel_Meg/pseuds/Fallen_Angel_Meg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for the SPN Writing Challenge [May 2016]<br/>Theme: Songs<br/>Prompt: Only When I Sleep by The Corrs</p>
<p>*Check tags before reading :)</p>
    </blockquote>





	When I Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the SPN Writing Challenge [May 2016]  
> Theme: Songs  
> Prompt: Only When I Sleep by The Corrs
> 
> *Check tags before reading :)

The butterflies in Dean’s stomach intensify as beautiful blue eyes meet his from across the restaurant. Shit, maybe this is all a mistake. He’s way too nervous for this. Regardless, he lifts a finger to signal the man with a small smile, which is returned, leaving him breathless.  
  
How is he going to make it all through dinner?  
  
He swallows nervously, getting up and extending his hand in greeting. Is that weird? Shaking hands on a first date? They’ve met before under different circumstances but… he can’t just sit there like an idiot and a hug feels too intimate. So handshake it is.  
  
“Castiel, it’s great to see you again,” he says, hoping he doesn’t sound too nervous.  
  
Castiel smiles warmly at him, shaking his hand before they sit across from each other. “Hello Dean,” And damn, Castiel saying his name sends a shiver through Dean’s body, “I’m glad you invited me to have dinner with you.”  
  
“I’m glad you agreed,” Dean laughs softly, more out of nervousness than anything else. He wishes he consumed more alcohol before coming to dinner because it certainly helped him out when they first met at Gabriel’s party. Man, Sam’s friend really knew how to have a good time, although Dean may be a bit biased because that’s when he met Gabriel’s jaw dropping brother. And to think, he almost didn’t let Sam drag him to the party to begin with.  
  
Castiel snickers, opening his menu to gaze over the options. “Did you really think I would say no?”  
  
Dean does the same, shrugging gently. “Well, we’d both had a few drinks. I thought maybe you would’ve changed your mind the next day.” Yes, Dean was certainly drunk because despite priding himself on being able to smooth talk a woman like nobody else, he’s complete jelly when it comes to a cute guy. It’s kind of pathetic, actually.  
  
But there he was- spending his entire night flirting with this incredible guy. They could not stop talking about anything and everything. Sam practically had to pry Dean away from him at the end of the night to go home, but the possibility of not seeing Castiel again was too much for Dean. He needed to know this wasn’t goodbye, so he just blurted it out. If he was sober, he would’ve never asked Castiel out. He’s way out of Dean's league.  
  
Castiel glances up over his menu at Dean. “Dean, that’s ridiculous. I thoroughly enjoyed your company the other night.”  
  
Dean snorts. “Anyone enjoys anyone’s company when there’s shots involved, Cas.”  
  
Castiel’s lips twitch as the name leaves Dean’s mouth and he starts to panic. Crap, is that too weird? Nicknames are way too intimate at this point, aren’t they? They aren’t even technically dating. Shit, he’s screwing this up. “Ah, sorry… that just kinda came out…”  
  
Castiel bites his lip softly, making the fluttering in Dean’s stomach act up again, and the corner of Cas’ mouth quirks upwards. “I like it.”  
  
Dean breathes out a sigh of relief before going back to studying the menu with his own small smile. “Okay, Cas. So whatcha gonna have?”  
  
  


*****

Blaring horn. Bright lights. Screeching. A desperate cry before sudden impact.

And then he’s numb.

Is this what the end feels like? It’s strangely peaceful. Wait no, it can’t be. He’s not ready.

He’s not ready.

_Cas._

*****

“I can’t believe it’s tomorrow,” Castiel whispers and Dean’s unsure whether he was meant to hear or not.

“Are you getting cold feet?” he asks, placing a gentle kiss to the back of Cas’ neck. This prompts Cas to twist in his arms and face him. Despite the darkness of night, Dean can still make out the details of Castiel’s face- his ruffled hair, the sharp line of his jaw, those inviting lips that make Dean wanna kiss him silly, and most of all, those expressive eyes that still send Dean into a trance whenever he looks into them.

Cas closes the tiny space between them, giving Dean a tender kiss before he murmurs, “Absolutely not.” He pauses for a moment and then asks, “Are you?”

Dean chuckles. “No way, Cas.” Honestly, he’s been waiting for this day for so long- the day he earns the privilege to call Castiel his husband. He feels an overwhelming emotion come over him that he can’t explain. It’s the kind of feeling someone has when they realize they’ve had a close call with something. What are the sayings? Like dodging a bullet, or hanging on by the skin of your teeth.

It’s a matter of one moment that can change things. Sometimes it’s narrowly missing the bad, and sometimes, it’s barely holding onto the good.

Dean remembers putting up such a fight with Sam for going to the party on that warm, summer evening. He didn’t know Gabriel and didn’t see the point in going to party with a bunch of strangers. Ever since his break up with his now ex-girlfriend, Lisa, Dean didn’t have much desire to go out anymore. But Sam decided three months was enough moping around and Dean needed to socialize once again. So as much as Dean declined the offer, Sam wasn’t taking no for an answer.

To think, if Sam hadn’t been so adamant in dragging Dean to the party, if Dean hadn’t given up his stubborn will to stay in that night and binge on some Netflix, he would’ve never met Cas. Sure, their paths might’ve eventually crossed given Sam and Gabriel were friends, but what if? What if he missed his chance?

These thoughts cause Dean to tighten his arms around Castiel, as if time will unwind itself and take away one of the only people who’s ever made him truly happy. Castiel nuzzles his face into Dean’s neck, his breath tickling his skin.

“I still remember our first date two years ago.”

Dean cringes. “Why did you want to see me again after that?”

Castiel laughs. “Because I liked you. A lot.”

“Even though I was a nervous wreck the entire time? And spilled wine allover you?”

“I thought your nerves were endearing. Besides, I was all the same. And I thought you did that on purpose- an excuse to take me back to your place and get my clothes off,” he says seductively, kissing Dean’s neck.

Dean chuckles, brushing his fingertips along the strong, safe muscle of Cas’ bicep. “You know, normally that would’ve been my move, but you made me so damn nervous. I didn’t realize until I was dabbing stain remover into your shirt how I set myself up with the perfect situation- getting a good looking guy to strip for me on the first date.”

Castiel moves his kisses along Dean’s jaw, smiling against his skin. “You know, the whole time I was thinking how I could even the score, but I figured that might’ve been pushing my luck.” Dean hums, thinking how it didn’t take long after that first date for them to open up to each other. They just trusted each other.

Dean’s smiling lazily to himself, lost in his thoughts when Cas pauses his light kisses. “Why did I make you so nervous, Dean?”

He scoffs, feeling his face heat up from embarrassment but he can’t help it. Cas brings out this shy, nervous part of himself that he didn’t think he had. “C’mon Cas, have you met you? You’re…” Dean ponders the right word to describe Cas, but it’s near impossible. Castiel can’t be so easily described with just one word, so Dean settles with the best he can think of. “You’re extraordinary, Castiel.”

Cas reaches a hand up to brush his fingertips across Dean’s cheek. “You are too.” Dean starts to turn away, to deflect his words but Cas doesn’t allow him to. “I mean it, Dean. You don’t give yourself enough credit. You are worth so much. Please don’t deny yourself this truth.”

Dean studies Cas’ eyes, which are soft yet fierce as they desperately try to convey his words and Dean feels his heart swell. How did he come to deserve this man? “Dammit. I love you, Cas,” he whispers gruffly, feeling his entire body fill with warmth and love. Dean reunites their lips once again, kissing him as if he’s dying and his source of life is Castiel.

Cas kisses him back lovingly, sighing against his mouth before pulling back enough to speak. “I love you too, Dean. I always will.”

  


*****

Blue and red lights flash behind his eye lids and he blinks them open. His vision is fuzzy, the lights blurring together with the night.

“One of ‘ems conscious!” a muffled voice shouts and Dean squeezes his eyes shut then reopens them. As they adjust, he takes in his surroundings. He’s hunched over the steering wheel and the moment he moves, his chest throbs painfully and a groan escapes his throat. “The metal is crushed, I can’t get the door open! We need The Jaws!” the voice calls again.

No, they can’t hurt Baby! What the hell is going on?

Dean lifts his neck, which immediately protests, but he pushes past the pain and stares out the shattered windshield of the Impala, his heart nearly stopping. What the fuck happened? He was just driving and…

He glances over at the passenger seat to see Cas’ dark shape slumped up against the window, which has a thousand little cracks spreading out around where his head must’ve made contact.

“C-Cas? You okay?” he chokes out, wincing as he tries to straighten himself in the seat.

“Sir, please stay still. You could’ve sustained some serious injuries and moving may worsen them. We’ll get you guys out in a moment,” the guy says next to his window, which is gone but his voice is clearer now that Dean’s come to his senses more.

But he’s not paying attention the man at his window. His eyes are glued on Cas’ still body. “Cas!” he croaks. When he still doesn’t move, Dean begins to wedge himself from between the steering wheel and the seat, sucking in a breath at the searing pain, but he doesn’t stop. He has to get to Cas.

“Sir! Please don’t move!”

“I’m fine!” Dean snaps before returning his attention to Cas. He slides across the bench and grabs Cas’ hand, shaky fingers feeling his wrist and he breathes out a relieved sigh. There’s a pulse, thank goodness.

“Cas, come on. Please wake up,” he begs softly and a small moan escapes Cas’ lips.

“Dean?”

Castiel tries to turn his head to face him but he whimpers. Dean clutches his hand, hissing as the shards of glass stuck in Cas’ skin stab into him. Fuck. What the fuck happened?

“Hey Cas, it’ll be okay. Everything is gonna be okay, but you gotta stay awake for me, okay? Stay with me, okay?”

Castiel shifts his body to face Dean and he tries to stop him but he’s scared he might hurt Cas more than he already is.

“Okay, we’re gonna cut you guys out of here now,” the man announces through the window and then there’s a bone chilling sound of metal protesting against metal.

“Dean, you’re bleeding. There’s blood everywhere,” Cas says in an alarmed voice but Dean hardly pays attention to it.

“Don’t worry about me, Cas. They’re gonna get us out of here and then we can find the jackass who totaled Baby, okay? You’re gonna be okay.” As he speaks, he feels himself getting dizzier and dizzier, the flashing lights and Cas growing dimer and dimer until there’s nothing.

Nothing at all.

  


*****

The air is filled with a thick, uncomfortable tension, although it’s a picture perfect scene. Him and Cas are on the couch with their dinner, the TV playing softly in the background and it’s just like any other night. Except that Dean wants more than anything to run out of the house and down a drink. Or five.

But he knows he can’t exactly do that, so instead, he focuses intently on twirling the perfect amount of spaghetti on his fork and chewing it thoroughly.

“Dean, we need to talk about this,” Cas mutters quietly beside him.

“What else is there to discuss, Cas?” he mumbles, pushing the pasta around the bowl to look busy but his appetite is gone. He really doesn’t want to have this conversation because it’s going to be ugly. Hell, it’s already been ugly. But Dean’s scared how it’s all gonna end. He can’t say goodbye to Cas. He just can’t.

There’s a clink against the glass surface of their coffee table and he feels his bowl lifted out of his hands and set down with another clink. Dean stares down at his hands for a moment before lifting his gaze to meet his husband’s, which is calm for now.

“Talk to me, Dean. I need to understand why. I need to understand why you are so adamantly against becoming a father.”

Dean sighs, because he’s not sure how he can run from this conversation anymore. Cas has been subtly mentioning how he’s wanted to start a family, to adopt their first child, for a while and Dean’s always brushed off the subject. But now that Sam and Jess have announced they’re pregnant with their first, Cas has been relentless on getting an answer. An answer Dean knows might end his relationship.

So tonight, when Cas asked him for the thousandth time about kids, Dean finally told him he wasn’t interested. They had a minor argument over the matter before Dean decided to exit the conversation in favor of making dinner.

But now it’s time to talk.

“I just don’t want kids, Cas. It’s that simple.”

Castiel shakes his head in disbelief. “I don’t believe that. You’re wonderful with children and I saw how happy you were for Sam and Jess. I know you want a family, Dean, so what’s holding you back?”

He snorts. “Just because I can hang out with a kid for a couple hours doesn’t mean I’m good with them. And yeah, of course I’m happy for my little brother. That doesn’t mean I’m secretly pining for one of my own.” Well, that’s kind of a lie.

Cas sighs impatiently. “You know how much I’ve wanted to start a family. I’ve been asking you for years now and you kept telling me, ‘Yeah, we’ll talk about it sometime’ or ‘Maybe someday’. Did you really know all this time that you never intended to give me a child?”

Dean scrubs a hand down his face because, yes, he really did know this entire time and now he looks like even more of an ass. “Okay fine. But I didn’t want to tell you because I knew this would happen! I didn’t want us to fight over this!”

“So you were just going to string me along the rest of our lives?” Cas asks bitterly, the hurt clear in his voice.

Dean studies his face, heart breaking at how much he’s hurt Cas but he’s not sure what else to do. He can’t be a father. He just can’t. He gets up off the couch, scooping up their bowls and retreats to the kitchen.

“Dammit Dean, don’t fucking walk away from me,” Cas growls, following after him. Dean scraps off the uneaten food into the trash and busies his hands with washing the dishes.

“What do you want me to say, Cas? Do you want me to just cave and agree to adopt to please you? Do you really think that’s the best environment for a child? Or our marriage?” Dean snaps, his chest tightening at throwing the marriage card out there. He knows he could never hate Castiel, but what if years later he starts to resent him for forcing him into an unwanted fatherhood? He doesn’t want that feeling. At all.

Cas laughs dryly. “You want to talk about our marriage? Okay, let’s talk about how you’ve lead me on to think I had a chance at a family of my own for _five_ years. But you never intended to even entertain the idea.”

Dean opens his mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. What is there to say? He’s sorry? But what if as soon as he says the words, Cas leaves him?

“Is it me? Do you think… I would be a bad father?” Cas’ voice drops to a quiet whisper and Dean spins around to face him.

“Of course not! Cas, you’d be an amazing father,” Dean tells him fiercely. Cas would be the best goddamn father a child could ever have. It’s Dean that’s the problem…

He sighs, turning off the water to sink and gripping the edge of the counter with wet, sudsy hands to steady himself. “It’s me, Cas. I’m… I’m not cut out for fatherhood. I just can’t do it.”

He closes his eyes, flashes of his last relationship racing in his mind that make him dizzy. Lisa had a son, Ben. And man, Dean adored Ben as if he was his own. Lisa always told him how she thought she may never marry again because every man she’s dated was scared off by the prospect of instant fatherhood. But not Dean. He was ready.

But then he went and fucked up. Ben was being bullied at school and went to Dean for advice. He told Ben to stand up for himself- that it only takes one time and then they’ll leave him alone. And Ben listened to him, only it resulted in him getting beat to hell and needing stitches. Lisa was not happy one bit, to say the least. She was beyond furious with Dean and broke it off with him immediately, telling him he clearly wasn’t ready to be a father.

That was one of the lowest points in Dean’s life. He swore that he would never be a father because he can’t handle disappointing more people, or possibly hurting them. He just wasn’t meant for the role.

He feels arms snake around his waist and then Cas pressing up against his back. “Dean, that’s ridiculous. You’d be an amazing father.”

Dean huffs in frustration. “No I won’t Cas. You know what I did to Ben- I can’t go through that again. I can’t fail you or our future child. I won’t be able to forgive myself.”

“Everyone feels like that. No one is ever ready for parenthood, but we’ll try our best. We’re not perfect beings and mistakes will happen, but we have each other," Cas says softly then adds, "You won’t ever fail me, I promise.”

Dean turns in his arms and studies those breathtaking blue eyes- the eyes that are only the surface of the beautiful soul Castiel is, the eyes that he loves so much. He gently takes Cas’ face in his still wet hands and brings their lips together, feeling his own trembling against Cas’.

When he pulls away, he smiles sadly at Cas. “I’m sorry, but I can’t. If this means you want to leave, I understand. You deserve someone who will give you all the babies you could ever want, but it can’t be me. I’ve already failed you, Cas. I’m sorry.”

  


*****

There’s a gentle sway that rouses Dean back to the conscious world and he can hear a frantic voice in the background.

“Dean? Dean? He’s awake! He’s waking up! Dean! Please stay with me.” It’s Cas.

He opens his eyes and turns his head towards the sound, but he’s stopped by something around his neck and his hands immediately go to it. “What the hell?” he mumbles.

“Sir, it’s okay. You’re in an ambulance and we’re going to the hospital. You’ve been in a car accident and you have some serious injuries. Please try to stay as still as possible. You’re going to get help soon,” a calm, woman’s voice tells him.

He ignores her, still trying to twist so he can see Castiel. He vaguely remembers Cas barely holding onto life in the car. He was in so much pain. “Cas? Are you okay?”

He feels a rough, yet soft and familiar hand take his and he relaxes instantly. “Yes Dean, I’m fine. We’re both going to be fine. But you have to stay awake for me.”

Dean fights to keep his eyes open the rest of the way to the hospital, but it’s so hard with the sway of the high speed vehicle they’re in. He can so easily slip back into a painless sleep, but as long as he feels Cas holding on tightly to him, he won’t give up.

When they get to the hospital, there’s a team of doctors ready and waiting. Then everything happens so fast. One moment he’s clutching tightly onto Cas, the next they’re ripped apart.

“Dean Winchester. Male. Car accident. Trauma to the abdomen…”

“N-No! I can’t leave him!” Dean shouts only to wince at the pain that blooms over his body from the exertion.

“Mr. Winchester, you’ve lost a lot of blood. We need to take care of you and your husband as quick as we can. We’ll update you on his status, I promise,” a doctor covered in a baggy, yellow gown says reassuringly to him as he’s wheeled inside.

“Dean, keep those eyes open! I’ll be fine!” Cas calls behind him and Dean tries to yell back but his voice fails him. He’s so scared. He can’t lose Cas. He needs to be there to protect him.

He’s wheeled into a room where his team of doctors goes to work poking and prodding and shinning lights into his eyes, all the while he moans and hisses at the pain.

“Neuro seems fine. He’s responsive, no sign of head trauma,” one doctor says and adds quietly to another, “I’m concerned about the husband though. I’m ordering a head CT for him immediately.”

“Wait, what? What about Cas?” Dean asks sharply as he tries to sit up only to be forced back down and he cries out in pain.

“Mr. Winchester, if you can’t stay still, we’re going to have to restrain you. The more you move, the more blood you lose,” a rough voice tells him.

Dean stares up at them, starting to panic when he hears words like “ruptured” and “distended” and “breaks” and “surgery”.

“W-what’s going on?” he stammers.

“Mr. Winchester, you’ve broken some ribs and we’re concerned they may puncture your heart. Some shards of glass have also cut into your stomach, but we’re going to patch you up. There’s no need to panic, but we’re going to have to take you up to surgery,” a doctor tells him calmly.

Dean feels his heart rate quicken and he feels like he can’t breathe. “No, I can’t! Where’s Cas? I need to see him!”

“He’s in good hands. We’ve called your brother and he’s on his way, but we need to worry about you right now. We can’t wait any longer,” she explains, gently taking his hand before calling over her shoulder, “Prep OR two!”

“Please,” he tries to search for a name plate but of course she’s not wearing one.

“Tessa. You can call me Tessa, Dean.”

He lets out a shaky breath. “Okay, Tessa. Please, I have to see him before you guys cut me open. I just gotta see him. _Please._ ”

She sighs gently before nodding. “Very well, but it’ll have to be quick. Let’s move him into the hallway!” And at her command, they’re rolling him out of the room and he sees Cas already there waiting, eyes watching his room intently and lighting up when he sees Dean.

“Dean, are you okay?” Cas asks, adjusting himself on the bed to lean over the rail and reach for Dean’s hand. Well, he looks a hell of a lot better than he did in the car at least- mostly cuts and bruises.

Dean smiles weakly at him, starting to feel his head get hazy again. “I’m great. Just worried about you.”

Cas shakes his head, rubbing his cut knuckles gently. “I’m perfectly fine, Dean. Miraculously, my head just hurts a little. That’s all.” He glances up at the impatient looking doctors that are surrounding him and looks back to Dean. “Where are they taking you?”

“Guess I need surgery,” Dean says dazedly.

“We’re going to lose him if we wait any longer,” he hears a guy hiss to Tessa but she holds her finger up to silence him. It makes Dean wonder if there’s a reason why she would be giving him time to see Cas… does she think he’s going to die?

He suddenly feels sick and clutches onto Cas’ hand tighter. “Cas, if I don’t make it out-“

The concern in his blue eyes evaporates into anger. “Don’t say that! You’re going to make it, Dean! You’re going to be fine!”

Dean starts coughing violently until he feels something dribble out of his mouth. He uses his free hand to wipe it away, seeing red smeared against his paled skin. Shit. That’s not good.

He flickers his gaze back up to Cas, who’s staring in horror and he uses all the strength he can muster to squeeze his hand. “Cas, I’m sorry I did this. Tell Sammy I’m proud of him and that he’s going to be a great father. Please forgive me, Cas. I love you. I love you so fucking much.”

Tears spring into Cas’ eyes and he shakes his head quickly. “No you son of a bitch. Don’t you dare say goodbye- you fight! I know you can do this!”

“Okay Dean, we really have to go,” Tessa says and he feels his fingers start to slip away from Cas’ as they ease them apart.

“Cas, you better be here when I get out,” he rasps, keeping his eyes locked on him despite the black spots that corrupt his vision.

“I will- I promise. I love you, Dean. Come back to me.”

It’s the last thing he hears before Dean can’t fight anymore. The darkness consumes him with the words still echoing in his mind.

_I love you, Dean._

_Come back to me._

*****

“Thanks for dinner, guys,” Dean says, grinning gratefully at Sam and Jess.

“No need for thanks, Dean. You guys make us dinner all the time, so come over whenever,” Jess tells him with a smile.

And he knows this. They all keep in touch on a regular basis, but still, Dean knows they’re busy with the baby count down and how stressed they must be getting everything ready.

“Could be any day now, right?” Cas asks.

Sam nods. “Hopefully we’ll be checked into the hospital this time next week.”

“I bought a couple more onesies. We’ll bring them with then,” Cas says with an excited smile.

Jess laughs, shaking her head. “You two have spoiled us enough with baby stuff. Seriously, use that money to pay your bills!”

“Blame this guy. He can’t walk into a store without fawning over the little outfits and shoes. No self-control,” Dean snorts, nudging Cas teasingly with his shoulder.

Cas shrugs. “Have you seen them? They’re so tiny. I like them.”

Dean rolls his eyes lovingly and gives his brother and Jess a hug, Cas following his lead. “Talk to you guys later. And hopefully the next time we see you, that munchkin will be out in the real world,” Dean says.

They say their final goodbyes before him and Cas climb into the Impala and Dean turns the key, the engine ripping through the calm night.

“So, you enjoy yourself?” Dean asks once they get on the road.

Cas nods sleepily. “Of course. I love visiting Sam and Jess. Though, I look forward to crawling in bed with you.” Then, as if to prove it, Cas yawns wide and Dean reaches over to take his hand.

“Don’t worry. We’ll be home soon.”

They drive in comfortable silence for a couple minutes, but Dean’s thoughts are far from quiet. He wanted to wait until tomorrow to tell Cas, but he’s not sure if he can. He’s been itching to have this conversation for a few weeks, and now he officially can. And he can’t wait to see the look on Cas’ face.

“Hey Cas?”

“Hmm?”

“I have something to tell you.”

“I’m listening.”

Dean takes a careful breath because this moment is everything. But what if, after all these months since they last discussed the subject, Cas changed his mind? Maybe he realized somewhere in between that Dean was right about himself. What if this is all for nothing?

“I, um, we have an appointment with an adoption agency on Thursday.”

Cas is quiet and Dean has to look over to see if he fell asleep. But no, he’s not asleep. His eyebrows are furrowed as he stares at Dean in confusion.

“What do you mean?” he finally asks.

“I mean we have a meeting with a social worker to discuss the possibility of us adopting.”

Cas’ squinty eyes widen and Dean chuckles, because his reaction is completely priceless.

When they last had the conversation of kids, it ended with Dean telling Cas it was okay to walk away- that he deserved someone who will give Cas what he wants. The next day, Dean woke up to Cas placing light kisses on his face- probably kissing his freckles as he usually does- and he was beyond confused.

_“Cas?”_

“ _I want_ you, _Dean.”_

_He sat up in the bed, vaguely wondering if he was dreaming. “What? Why?”_

_And he’d never seen Cas roll his eyes so hard. “For God’s sake, Dean. Because you’re my husband and I love you. If it means choosing between you and a baby, I’d rather have you. You mean too much to me and I wouldn’t want a family with anyone else. Only you.”_

_He shook his head. “No, I can’t let you do that. That’s not fair to you and it’s way too much to ask. You can’t just settle on not wanting children after years of wanting them. You’ll resent me later.”_

_Cas simply leaned forward to capture Dean’s mouth with his. “No I won’t. Sam and Jess are pregnant now, so I’ll just steal their baby,” he murmured jokingly._

_Dean sighed. “Cas…”_

_Then Cas gripped his chin firmly in his hand and stared into his eyes. “Dean, I’m serious. You can’t talk me out of this. I’ve already made my decision.”_

Despite Dean’s dismay at Cas’ sacrifice, he let it go, because that’s what Cas wanted. Until recently, that is. Ever since that day, Dean couldn’t stop thinking about the subject of their own family. He couldn’t get the image of him and Cas raising their own little humans out of his head. It was never a question of whether he actually wanted children, it was whether he would succeed as a father or not.

But he finally let go of his fears. Cas would be by his side every step of the way. They would support each other and work through their mistakes together. Cas won’t let Dean fail alone. So a couple weeks back, he made some phone calls, filled out application after application and just got a call earlier today to schedule their first meeting.

“But Dean, you told me you didn’t want children? And I’ve accepted that. If you’re doing this for me, it’s okay. I’ve made my peace with it,” Cas explains slowly and Dean smiles at him.

“No Cas, I want to start a family. With you. It’s scary as hell but… I’ve got you. I know you’ll be there with me through thick and thin, so might as well take the leap.”

Cas’ face breaks out in the brightest smile Dean’s ever seen as he clutches Dean’s hand tighter. “Of course, Dean! We’ll figure it out together.”

And Dean takes in the sight. It’s one of the most beautiful moments of his life- Cas beaming with love and happiness beside him, and all for him. He absorbs the way his eyes light up through the darkness and it’s truly magical.

But wait, his face is actually lighting up- shadows growing across Cas’ face and Dean can see his pupils adjust from the sudden brightness. He turns his attention forward only to find himself staring into the headlights of another car. Then his whole world explodes.

  


*****

The faint sound of periodic beeping chips its way into Dean’s head, getting louder as he slowly comes to. He squints open his eyes and groans softly at the unnatural bright light and shuts them once more. It almost hurts to open them. Wait, brightness… headlights…

“Page Tessa. He’s awake,” he hears a soft voice next to him and he stiffly turns his neck towards the source, trying again at opening his eyes.

“Look who’s finally up,” the voice greets him cheerily, but Dean still can’t get his eyes open enough to see who it is. “Don’t worry, Tessa will be here in a moment. I’m sure you have a lot of questions.”

Well, yeah, he does. For starters, who the hell is Tessa? The name’s vaguely familiar, but he’s not too sure.

“Dean Winchester. Welcome back to the real world,” another feminine voice calls to him and he finally manages to open his eyes all the way, taking in the gentle looking woman with dark brown hair that rests gracefully against her shoulders. “Do you remember me?”

Dean scrunches his eyebrows up at her and opens his mouth to answer but a weird, raspy sound comes out instead. Holy shit, why can’t he talk? He was just talking with Cas? Or maybe it was a dream…

The woman- Tessa, perhaps?- smiles sympathetically down at him and she starts taking his vitals before making him do a series of tests, like following her finger and shining a light into his eyes- to his dismay. Why must everything be so fucking bright?

He clears his throat and tries again at talking. “What happened?” he manages to croak out.

Tessa slings her stethoscope around her neck before finally looking at him. “Dean, you were in a car accident two weeks ago. Do you remember this?”

He furrows his brow as he tries to remember, and then it hits him hard. Every memory slamming into him like… like the car that hit them! His dream wasn’t just a dream. It’s what happened. And he remembers bits and pieces after that. The last thing he remembers though…

His eyes widen as he stares up at Tessa. He remembers her now. “Where’s Cas?” he asks roughly.

Tessa’s smile falters and she pats his hand gently. “Questions later. You’ve been in a coma for two weeks now. You need to rest. I’ll call your brother and let him know you’re awake.”

She goes to leave but Dean gathers as much strength as he can to call after her, “Wait, I was out for two weeks?”

She looks over her shoulder and nods. “Yes. But like I said, questions later.”

After half an hour of nibbling on Jell-O and pondering his dreams, Sam bursts into his room, heaving out a breath of relief. “Dean! You’re back!”

Dean smiles at him. “I’m a regular sleeping beauty, aren’t I?”

“Well, you seem… okay,” Sam says slowly and Dean shrugs.

“They must’ve kicked up my pain meds. I’m a little tired- which is ironic given I’ve been asleep for two weeks.”

“So, do you know about what happened?” Sam asks, pulling up a chair to sit next to Dean.

He shakes his head. “Tessa said questions later. I’m guessing she was waiting for you to get here. By the way, where’s Cas?”

Sam’s eyes flicker to meets Dean’s. “Uh, he can’t come see you right now, Dean.”

Dean tries to sit up in his bed, his worry increasing. “Why? Is he okay? Is he still in the hospital?”

Sam lays a firm hand against Dean’s shoulder and pushes him back gently. “Jesus Dean, you’re going to bust open your stitches.”

Just then, Tessa walks in and gives a smile to Sam. “Ah, Sam. Thank you for getting here so quickly. Dean has a lot of questions, so let’s get started.” She dives into all the details that’s led to how Dean ended up in a coma- although, Sam makes her repeat it all when he sees how dizzy all the medical jargon is making Dean.

“Basically, we had reconstruct your rib cage and repair your torn stomach wall and ruptured liver during the surgery. You lost a lot of blood in the process and with all the stress your body was under, there was a chance of you not waking up right away after the surgery. This is a very lucky occurrence that you’ve woken up, Dean.”

Dean absorbs the information. He could’ve… died. In fact, he remembers being so sure he was gonna die. Those last few moments he was barely hanging on, he was trying so hard to get out all the words he could before they took him away. The image of Cas, all bloody and cut up, laying in the hospital bed and watching him go with those blue eyes that only stood out more in all the red, burns in his mind.

Dean frowns, looking between Sam and Tessa. “So is Cas in a coma too? Is that why he can’t see me?”

Tessa glances at Sam, who looks down at his hands and Dean gets a pit in his stomach. “Sammy?”

Sam takes a shaky breath before meeting his eyes again. “Dean, Cas didn’t make it.”

Dean stares at him, his mind somehow unable to grasp the words. “What do you mean ‘didn’t make it’?”

Sam rubs a hand over his face, sorrow and grief heavy in his eyes and he’s about to open his mouth to explain but Tessa lays a reassuring hand on his shoulder to stop him.

“Dean, not too long after we took you to surgery, Castiel received a head CT- a test to make sure there was no damage done to his brain. We were concerned because, upon arrival of the accident, an EMT saw Castiel hit his head against the window from the impact of the crash whereas you managed to avoid serious trauma to your head. It was the steering wheel that saved you from an injury like Castiel’s.”

“But… he was fine. He wasn’t passing out like me. He only said he had a headache. That should’ve been good, right? Considering he’d just gotten into a car accident?” Dean asks, more to himself because he just doesn’t understand. Cas was fine. It was Dean’s chances of survival that looked hopeless, not Cas’.

Tessa nods slowly. “Yes, Castiel was more alert than you were after the accident. However, that doesn’t mean he wasn’t hurt. His body went into a state of shock when he woke up- meaning he didn’t experience a lot of the pain from his injuries. That headache you mentioned? That was a sign of intracranial pressure- swelling of the brain. We rushed him into surgery when we realized his injuries were more extensive than his body was showing, but unfortunately, too much damage was done. He didn’t survive.”

Dean stares blankly at her as the words slowly sink into him.

Cas is… _dead?_

“I’m sorry, Dean. We did everything we could,” Tessa says sadly.

Emotion starts to constrict his throat and his stomach feels like it’s twisted into a thousand knots while his vision blurs. “No, that can’t be right. He was fine. I saw him, he was fine!” his voice slowly starts to raise, breathing getting more rapid.

“Dean, I’m sorry. I know it’s a lot to hear,” Sam says, touching his forearm in comfort but Dean swipes it away, feeling rage start to overwhelm him.

“How the fuck did this happen? He was fine! He was talking to me and…” Dean turns his angry gaze to Tessa, “This is your fault! You insisted on taking me away when you should’ve been checking on him! If you had just looked at him first-“

“You would both be dead,” Tessa says bluntly.

Dean scoffs, shaking his head but Tessa continues. “Castiel’s injuries were far too extensive for him to recover. Even if he had survived the surgery, he would’ve been brain dead. And if we waited even five minutes longer to take you to surgery, you would’ve bled out in that hallway or a rib could’ve punctured your heart. Honestly, we probably could’ve lowered your chance of a coma if I’d taken you straight to surgery.” Her voice isn’t harsh or angry, but firm enough where Dean doesn’t bother arguing with her.

“I’ll give you two a moment,” she tells them before leaving the room, closing the sliding glass door behind her.

Then it all comes pouring out. Warm tears spill down his cheeks and he presses his thumb and middle finger against his eyes, but it does no use to stop them. They just squeeze out between his eyelids.

“Dean, I’m so sorry,” Sam murmurs beside him.

The knots in his stomach untwist to where there’s just a gaping hole of nothingness and a choked whimper escapes his throat. “It should’ve been me, Sammy. I did this… it should’ve been me.”

“Dean, don’t say that. This wasn’t your fault. The other guy fell asleep at the wheel- he drifted into your lane going 80. It all happened too fast.”

He shakes his head because it was his damn fault. He wasn’t looking at the road. Maybe if he’d just looked a second earlier, he could’ve veered out of the way. He could’ve avoided all of this if he wasn’t so damn careless.

His heart feels like it’s going to beat out of his chest and he can’t seem to catch his breath. “What the fuck is wrong with me? I killed him, Sam! I fucking killed him! This isn’t how it was supposed to be- we were gonna be dads! We were going to start a family, and- it should’ve been me!” he yells between broken gasps that make his entire body ache and the tears won’t stop. He can’t fucking stop.

There’s only one thing makes sense to him right now- he needs to get out of here. He needs to leave because this place is suffocating him. He needs to find Cas. He needs to say how sorry he is. He needs to tell him how much he means to him- how much he can’t do this alone.

He needs Cas.

He struggles to get to his feet but Sam is there trying to restrain his weak attempts at escape. “Dean, don’t! I don’t want to hurt you.”

But Dean doesn’t stop. He can’t be here anymore. He struggles futilely against his brother’s firm grip until he’s too tired to fight anymore and he just collapses back against the thin hospital pillow, heart aching and eyes burning.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I’m so sorry.”

  


*****

The warm, thick air clings to Dean’s skin as they emerge from the air conditioned house and he sweeps his gaze around the backyard. There’s some tiki torches burning, giving the backyard a warm glow as the late afternoon sun transforms into streaks of color that signal the start of sunset. Most of the green grass is taken up by people and tables of food and drinks, but even so, Dean doesn’t feel tempted to tap into any aspect of this scene.

He just wants to go home.

“This is stupid. I don’t know anyone,” Dean mutters to Sam.

“Like that's ever stopped you before,” his brother tells him with a nudge to his side. “Come on, I’ll introduce you to Gabriel.”

Sam takes off in search of his friend, leaving Dean to follow with a roll of his eyes. He trails after Sam until he stops in front of man with combed back brown hair and a cupcake in hand, who seems to be in a heated conversation with someone Dean can’t see.

Sam taps on the man’s shoulder. “Hey Gabe.”

He turns, his golden eyes lighting up and gives Sam a hearty slap on the back. “Hey! Thanks for coming!”

Sam grins before motioning to Dean. “I hope you don’t mind I brought my brother, Dean.”

Gabriel’s eyes rest on Dean and his smile widens. “Well, nice to meet ya, Dean-o. I’ve heard stories.”

Dean glares at Sam before looking back to Gabriel. “Yeah well, Sammy loves to gossip, so I’m not surprised.”

Gabriel chuckles, taking a big bite of his cupcake before stepping aside. “I suppose it’s only appropriate to introduce you to my brother.” He lightly kicks a dark haired man seated on a folding chair, who seems to be blatantly looking away. “Cassie, say hi to my friends!”

The man’s chest heaves a sigh before dragging his eyes up to flicker between Sam and Dean. “Hello. Nice to meet you both.”

Dean feels his mouth go dry at the sight of those eyes. Damn, he’s never seen a more beautiful shade of blue in his life.

“Hi, I’m Sam. This is my brother, Dean. It’s nice to meet you,” Sam says with a side glance at Dean and he realizes he’s staring like an idiot.

“Yeah, nice to meet you,” Dean manages to say. Someone else calls for Sam’s attention and he nods to them before turning back to Dean.

“Hey, I’ll be right back. Gotta say hi to a couple people. Unless- do you want to meet them?”

Dean scowls. “I’m not some little kid at a grownup party, Sam. I think I’ll survive if you leave for five minutes.”

Sam rolls his eyes. “Fine. I’ll be over there if you need anything.” Dean watches him go with Gabriel trailing close behind. He glances back down at Gabriel’s brother- Cassie?- only to find those intimidating blue eyes lingering on him. Holy fuck, this guy is handsome.

“So, I, uh, don’t think I caught your name,” Dean begins.

“Castiel. It’s nice to meet you, Dean.”

He feels a blush heat up his cheeks as his name leaves Castiel’s lips. He sure does like the sound of that. “So Castiel, what are you doing sitting here at a party by yourself?” It’s a weak line, but he’s not sure what else to say. He can barely think straight with Castiel staring at him like that.

He shrugs in response. “Gabriel forced me to come. Thinks I spend too much time alone.”

Dean chuckles at this. “That’s something we have in common.”

For the first time, the annoyance that’s been perched on Castiel’s face disappears, leaving behind a small smile that nearly stops Dean’s heart. “Maybe we can be miserable together.”

Dean fights the smile that threatens to beam across his face. “Sure. Might as well make the most of it. Would you like a drink?”

The guitar riffs of his ringtone jolt Dean out of his sleep. He groans in irritation, laying there for a moment before rolling over in the too big bed to snag his phone from the nightstand.

“Hi again, Sam.”

“Hey Dean. Just checking in,” his brother greets with an upbeat tone.

He scowls. “I’m fine, Sam. Just taking a nap- or trying to.”

“Oh, sorry.” But Dean knows exactly what Sam really wants to say, but Dean’s tired of hearing it. He's tired of hearing how he needs to go out and do stuff, but all he wants to do is sleep. Sleep is the best state for him. It’s the only time he’s able to see Cas, reliving random memories. Some are good, filled with happiness and bliss, but some are of the accident… scary to say the least.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay. I know it must be hard being back in that house...”

Dean frowns at his words. Hard is an understatement. It’s impossible, but he has no other choice. He’s not living with Sam and Jess again. Two weeks of Sam’s constant hovering and the guilt of not wanting to see the baby was too much for him.

“I needed to do this eventually, Sam. So please, stop fussing over me. I’ll call if I need something.”

“I know but… Dean, I get it. Sleeping- it takes the pain away- but you can’t hide from this forever. It’s not healthy. You can’t sleep the rest of your life away…”

Dean brushes off his words despite knowing Sam’s right. But he’s not ready. He can’t let go. “I appreciate the concern Sam, but I’m just tired, okay? It’s been a long month…”

“I know. Listen, Jess and I will stop by tomorrow and we can make you dinner, okay?”

Dean automatically opens his mouth to decline but resigns himself. He can’t keep pushing his brother away. Maybe this is what it takes to patch up the void that’s his life, so just maybe, he doesn’t spend every waking moment in pain, wishing his was asleep in his own world with Cas. “That sounds great, Sammy. Thanks.”

Sam finally lets him go. He rolls over on his side to stare at the empty space. He never dares to sleep on Cas’ side, but it doesn’t stop him from pulling Cas’ pillow into his arms and hugging it close, inhaling the scent of Cas until he drifts off to sleep again.

He finds himself spreading a thick blanket over the grass, grinning at Cas who sets down a small cooler on top of it.

“Dean, shouldn’t we be inside socializing?”

Dean chuckles. “We’ve been socializing all evening. Gabriel and Sam and Jess won’t mind us being gone thirty minutes.”

Cas nods before settling himself on the blanket and Dean just watches him, the faintest of smiles on his face.

“What is it, Dean?”

He shakes his head, dropping down next to Cas and digs out two beers from the cooler, handing one of them over. “Nothing. Just thinking about how soon it’ll be a year since we met in this same backyard.”

Castiel accepts the beer, twisting the cap off. “Feeling sentimental tonight?”

Dean snorts, shoving Cas lightly who laughs. “Shut up.” He opens his beer bottle and they clink their bottles together before taking a sip. And soon, they’re on their backs, bodies pressed together while gazing up at the glittery night sky.

“Remembering when we first met, we kept trying to search for shooting stars?” Cas murmurs.

Dean nods, smiling fondly at the memory. “Yeah. And we were too drunk to realize it was a cloudy night.”

Cas chuckles beside him. “Maybe we’ll get lucky and see one tonight. Do you know what you’d wish for?”

He turns his head to look at Cas, who’s eyes reflect the stars, who could not look any more beautiful. He’s been a little reluctant to let himself truly fall for Cas, but damn, that’s an impossible feat. There’s just no point in pushing away what his heart has been screaming for some time now.

“I don’t think I need a wish tonight, Cas. I’m happy just the way I am right now.”

Castiel meets Dean’s gaze, teeth nipping at his bottom lip. “Me too. I…” Castiel hesitates, seeming unsure of what he wants to say. Dean rolls over, hovering over Cas and kissing his lips softly in hopes he can coax out the words.  
  
When they break apart, Castiel gently grazes his thumb along Dean’s jaw. “I love you, Dean.”

Dean’s heart soars at those four seemingly simple words, but they mean the world to him. Four words he will hold on to the rest of his life.

He takes Castiel’s hand and moves it his lips, kissing each fingertip delicately before lacing them together. “I love you too, Cas.”

When Dean gradually fades out of the dream, he opens his eyes to see the afternoon glow has been replaced with night. He rubs his hand down his face only to feel his lashes are damp and there are trails of salt stuck to his cheeks.

He sighs, hugging the pillow that’s still in his arms and buries his face in it.

“Come back to me, Cas. I need you… I love you,” he whispers to the darkness. But of course, nothing happens. He’s still alone. But he doesn’t have to be.

He can fix that.

Shifting on the bed, he closes his eyes and waits for sleep to reunite him with Cas.

And it’s not long until he’s staring into blue eyes once again.

**Author's Note:**

> ...Hope you liked it!  
> [My Tumblr](http://blissfulcastiel.tumblr.com)


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